There’s a running joke in my family that I am a bit of a scatter brain. My excuse has always been it’s mommy brain, which I have convinced myself is totally different. That may be a small part of it, but yesterday as I was juggling five different tasks at work (while thinking about five other family related responsibilities) and wondering why nothing ever gets done right, I had an epiphany…no wonder I’m such a fucking scatter brain! How the hell can anyone think clearly much less get anything done right while juggling so many things in the air at once?!
I have far too many things going on in my life, and when I think about it, the one thing that keeps coming back to me as my biggest stressor is my work. They have me doing way too much and you know what? I let it get that way because I never thought of saying NO. Now they just expect that I will do everything they want. I suppose I wanted to be Super Woman and do it all, plus go home and look after my family and still have time to get my hair and nails done. Well, I’m not too happy with that anymore and I’m fucking pissed about it. And I haven’t had my nails done in months. Double fucking pissed.
I know, typical martyr syndrome right?
Sure, everyone around me at work gets all of their needs met but in the end I am the one who is suffering. I’m tired, angry and resentful. I still do my work and everything that is expected of me, but it has all become so routine with no feeling, no commitment, no passion. I go to work, do my juggling act, collect my pay cheque, go home, and repeat it all over again day after day after day. My apathy is starting to show and I honestly don’t even give a shit about concealing it.
Something has to give before I throw all these balls I’m juggling to the ground and walk away.